Overcoming the death of a loved one is a long and very slow process.

If I am going to rate my healing status from 1 to 10, right now, I would say, I’m still clueless about my real score. It’s because the grieving process is unique for every individual. If there is one thing I’ve learned about dealing with grief, that is to stop telling the survivors, whether they are a friend or family member, what to do while they are in the most painful stage of their life.

I am not saying that we should totally neglect them, but when they feel like exploding and crying, let them be. Your words are not really welcome to the sufferers. They just want people to hear them. Because the truth is, they are the only ones who can deal with such rage of emotion and you don’t know exactly how it feels. Sure, sympathy works fine, but don’t go over the top. Just be there and don’t…speak further. It helps.

While some people prefer to be surrounded with true friends and relatives to gather support so they can stand strong, I preferred the other way around to survive and heal. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.

Three months before my father died, I already tried to separate myself from my circle of friends. I used to be a source of inspiration in all of my groups. Whether it’s my family, my friends, co-workers or the ministry, I used to bring joy to people. We stayed 1 month in the hospital and 2 months taking care of my dad at home. I didn’t want my friends to see me collapsing, so, I stayed away from them even when my dad is still with us in a vegetative state. But those people who truly cared and prayed for me and my family never gave up on me and would visit us at the hospital and at home.

I felt like I am perishing little by little, every day. I was a die-hard fan of music and I could play musical instruments, but when the depression started eating me alive, I never wanted to hear any type of music. I even cried hearing Linkin Park’s “In the End”, Lady Gaga’s pop songs, and the like. I was a Kdrama fan, and I enjoyed mushy and overly romantic comedy scenes. But I lost interest after my dad was hospitalized. We suffered emotionally and financially.

I would never forget the time when my former boss called me and said to visit him at his office because he wanted to give me something. He was aware that my dad was in the hospital. When I get there, he handed over the envelope of money. I was so shocked and I cried. I was really thankful but my pride was whispering. Though I was happy for his big help, I felt like I was stripped naked and that I was doomed and bankrupt. My friends started to send money to pay for my dad’s medications. I never asked them to, it was given wholeheartedly. It was the most daunting moment when I felt self-pity. I always appear strong in front of people no matter. But this time is different. Do I need to say I broke down into sobs with my knees, face, and lips on the floor? I begged the Lord to save my dad.

The time is near. I felt it. For three months, I prayed daily: “God, if you’re going to take my father soon, please don’t let me witness it.”

It’s almost here. So, I decided to leave home, took my vacation in Bagiou City to cool off my head and break free from the pain.

The next day, it was a phone call that broke my heart.

Then I knew that God has always been there listening and granted my request.

Here’s what happened during the first year of my healing process:

I allowed the pain to take over

Accept it. Feel it. Every night, I cry myself to sleep. But I saw that it was way better than denying it. I could face the next day a bit braver, although I am aware that when the sun goes down, sadness and tears will take over. It’s okay. Feel it until you master the emotion. At night, all imaginable emotions may come and hunt you, but sooner, you will become their master.

I started blaming myself for my dad’s death because at first, it was my decision to take him to another hospital instead of the nearest one, so they got stuck in the traffic and he collapsed inside the car. If you feel like it’s your fault, be it. But make sure, to forgive yourself. It was hard but I have forgiven myself.

Sometimes, you will find yourself bargaining with God. Don’t be surprised. You will even find yourself saying, “I am willing to give up this and that, just give his life back”. That’s normal because you are currently going through an overwhelming grief. But don’t close the door for acceptance. That’s how you are going to survive. To me, it is constantly praying that saved me.

Surround yourself with loving people

After the interment, we moved to a different city. I lost contact with friends so it was too painful for me. But I was surrounded by my family who truly cares and loves me. We became the support for each other. I am not the only one who suffered, we all suffered emotionally and moved on together. Get access to people who can be a source of strength. Allow friends, relatives, a teacher, a leader, or even a therapist. But for me, I became my own therapist. I read inspirational blogs and tried to figure out how to overcome sadness. And when I got time, I play with words and put my feelings into writing.

Keep away from social media

I don’t remember exactly how long I shut myself from engaging with my Facebook friends or bothered updating my status but I kept myself away from social media for almost one year, I guess. Because if you are not really in the right state of mind and your guard is low, what you see on social media will aggravate your depression.

Would you like seeing happy people enjoying their grand vacation while you are there crying and grieving at home? You certainly don’t like that, do you? It is a natural human reaction. We don’t like to see people happy when we are sad. It’s the truth.

Get yourself busy

This tactic might work for short-term but somehow it can distract you from being hunted by loneliness. I am already occupied with having one full-time job, but when depression has stricken me, I started accepting new projects. Having 2 full-time jobs helped me from getting so preoccupied with my own pain. Really. But right now, I am totally tired of having these 2 jobs. Lol! Anyway, it’s still a blessing.

I suggest you keep yourself busy with the things you love. Not the things that will make you tired J) You can learn a new skill, join a local community, or volunteer.

Give yourself the chance to embrace life again

Please, just give it another try. It worked on me, so maybe it will work on you too. When my dad passed, I felt like I lost my life and identity. It felt like it’s not worthy to go on anymore. But on the back of my mind, I thought, my mom still needs me and I need her even more. So, I still need to get out of bed and start acting like I am still alive.

My father is the one who often wakes me up every morning to prepare for work and even when I was just a student. He even prepares my food. Everything changed after he’s gone but I have to face the reality: death is real and life must go on.

While you are still in the process of dealing with grief, you may have experienced a gradual change in your behavior, mood and even suffer physical ailments.

In my case, I started to sleep a lot like I can sleep for 15 hours straight, I lost the appetite for food, I always feel tired even though I slept for 15 hours. Do I need to tell you that taking a bath becomes a very hard task? The time may come when we don’t want to feel and look good anymore. All we want to do is lay in bed and cry. Again, it’s okay. Go through with it. No one can figure out how long will it take you to overcome but if you have Jesus in your life, eventually you will get back on the right track.