After my father’s death, my world stopped turning. The pain was unbearable, and to me, it was so unreal.
I thought this world is too cruel for him to suffer too much pain than a physical body could take. After a heart attack, he ended up in deep comatose for 3 days. He woke up on the 4th day but ended in a vegetative state (anoxic encephalopathy – the same case with my sister for 13 years already). We stayed in the hospital for a month and took care of him at home for 2 months. Every day, I would tell him to fight and return to us in full health. I would kiss him and whisper “I love you Dad, please get well”. I know he was trying but he wasn’t able to make it. It was September, the darkest day of my life.
I kept on thinking that this world hates me. In return, I started to forget what I have started and wanted to escape from the world and the life I’ve had. My faith has been shaken. I stopped dreaming because I felt incomplete. I wonder why my family had to go through this when we even have nothing. We only have each other which for me, is already enough. But why is the Lord allowing this to happen when I have served him for the past years?
John 1: 10 “He was in the world, and the world was made through Him, and the world did not know Him.”
On the day of the attack, I thought of bringing him to the hospital where his doctor was would be better compared to the nearest hospital to our home. I always relive that day which makes me feel awful. I even started to blame myself for it. Thinking if it wasn’t for my rush decision, he was able to survive on that day.
Then depression was eating me alive. Sometimes, I even forgot to take a bath for 2 days. I don’t want to look or feel good anymore. I only want my father back and healthy. I could trade my life for him.
Eventually, I stopped doing the mission. I never attended our Sunday service. I stopped seeing my friends in the ministry, but they never gave up on me. They always visit my dad in the hospital and were always there to pray for my entire family. I tried to block any communication. I just wanted to be with my dad and take care of him. It was the time when I feel like I can only count the days left to be with him.
During the 2nd month, I am telling God that I am not giving up my father. We were in a large debt because of his medications and hospital bills but I would always tell HIM I am not giving up my dad. I can endure the pain of having 2 jobs while helping my siblings took care of him but I cannot stand the pain of losing him now. I felt like, it is not the right time yet. Everything was so perfect before this. I was just starting to build our dreams together so this can’t be happening now. Why can’t you bring back everything to normal Lord? No Lord, I can’t give YOU my father now. Please don’t….
There were days when I feel like the Lord has abandoned me. He is not turning His eyes on me. I was calling out for his His name but He can’t hear me. I felt like Job in the Bible. I was casting away the enemies that might have surrounded me so the Lord can see me, but it was me. The problem was me. I realized that at that time, I only wanted to happen what I want to happen. I never allowed God’s way. I forgot that His ways are far better than my own.
On the 3rd month, everything started to become unbearable. Waking up every day seeing him suffer that way is too painful already. He was crying in silence when he started to get bed sores. My dad who used to eat normally is now taking his food through NG tube. Seeing the oxygen tanks stocked in his room and hearing the sounds of a suction machine and nebulizer machine is like a torture to me. I was too consumed by the pain.
I started to think if surrendering him to the Lord would be better for all of us. I was too terrified to even think of that, but what can I do? I thought I was too selfish to let my father endure the painful life support apparatus.
Finally, the time has for me to say Yes. I am saying Yes to His will. I can say it was the time when I started to really fear the Lord. Deuteronomy 10:20 says; “You must fear the Lord your God and worship Him and cling to Him…”
I used to say that I am a God fearing person but not really know how to feel that way.
God has taught me that there is only one to be afraid of, and that is His name. God is God. He knows what He is doing. No one can tell him what to do. God is unfathomable.
When I thought that He was punishing me by taking away my father, He meant to strengthen me.
When I thought that He has abandoned me, He meant to be with me talking in deep emotions.
When I thought that I am left with nothing, He meant to remind me that all I should have is Him.
When I thought that I am broke already, that’s because He meant to remold me.
I thank God for my dad’s life.
Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever…I LOVE YOU, DADDY…
