Last month, one of my best friends asked me to be her maid of honor
on her wedding scheduled next year. I answered, “Of course, who else could it be? No, it should be me.”
After that long conversation, I was left uneasy.
What about me? What should I do in my life if I ever left unmarried?
I started to get scared. And lonely.
In 2014, I wrote about how scary marriage can be. See story here: “Marriage Is Not Something We Can Idly Do”
I used to be scared of getting married thinking I would lose my identity, my body during pregnancy and even my career. I viewed marriage as not liberating. It’s a constraint. Not always a happy ending. Another responsibility.
A year ago, I dreamed of being married to an alcoholic man. In that dream, I was so scared and never wanted to get inside the house because my drunk husband was there waiting. I woke up in tears and the feeling was still vivid. I thought maybe I should not get married or my future is going to be a complete mess.
I asked my aunt some time ago how come she became unmarried.
She answered, “No one ever courted me.”
But my mom said there’s a lot back in time.
For some people finding love isn’t a trouble at all. For people like us, it is. I finally figured out why I became bad at love until now.
I developed a bad idea of marriage and about myself.
I thought;
I am not beautiful enough to be desired and needed.
I need to have a good job to be wanted.
And so on….
When someone looks at me, I looked away.
I was too cautious making sure I look uninterested.
I finally got what I deserve. LOL!!!
Because I did not display an interest in dating, I never had one.
I dumped people not because I don’t like them but because I am not sure of myself.
No. Dump is not the right term to say. I let them go their way coz I have to find my own way. I’m pretty sure, karma is not coming back to me. Lol!
A dear friend in High School used to like me but I don’t really understand how romantic relationship works so I turned down the offer. Yayz!
I had a suitor back in college but I was serious about my studies.
I have one when I started working but I was too busy at work and I finally let him go.
When you start to resist love, it will eventually do the same.
Just like the saying, “When you start to love life, life will love you back”
In truth, marriage is liberating. It is a beautiful journey of learning to love truthfully.
It is more than just the wedding day, but a promise of a lifetime.
Because it is sacred, not all can marry. Marriage is not for the impatient and dominant.
Marriage is “about interdependence.”
